My Friend,
I’ve been reflecting on a question that has shaped much of my own life and the work I do with others: Why do we tolerate toxic behavior, especially from the people closest to us—those who claim to love us?
For many of us, this tolerance isn’t something we consciously choose—it’s a pattern rooted in our earliest experiences. Growing up, I lived in a home where my dad’s narcissistic and alcoholic behavior created a toxic, chaotic environment. My parents’ relationship was anything but healthy. But to the outside world, people thought we were the 'perfect family. As a child, I learned to survive by being invisible. I didn’t have a voice, I didn’t speak up, and I often went into “freeze mode” just to avoid conflict. I became a people-pleaser, tiptoeing around others' emotions, hoping to keep the peace.
These survival mechanisms may have worked in my childhood, but they followed me into adulthood, shaping how I navigated relationships with men. On one hand, I didn’t know better—this was what I had been taught relationships looked like. On the other hand, I had internalized the belief that my value and worth didn’t matter, that love had to be earned through sacrifice and silence.
It took years of learning, self-awareness, and healing to recognize that these patterns were keeping me stuck. I had to understand what I was tolerating in my relationships—what I had accepted as “normal” but was anything but. Only then could I begin the journey of learning what healthy relationships truly are and how to stop tolerating abusive or toxic behavior from others.
If this resonates with you, I want you to know that you’re not alone. So many of us carry these patterns into adulthood without realizing it. But there is hope. You can break free, and you can reclaim your worth.
START WITH AWARENESS
The first step in any transformation is awareness. I remember the moment I sat down and asked myself, What have I been tolerating in my life? The answers weren’t easy to face, but they were the truth I needed to see.
Take a moment to reflect on your own life. Write down the behaviors, words, or patterns you’ve been tolerating, even though they make you feel small, anxious, or unseen. Ask yourself:
- How does my partner’s or toxic person in my life's behavior make me feel
- What do I excuse or brush off because it feels too hard to confront?
- How often do I prioritize their needs over my own at the expense of my happiness?
This process isn’t about blame—it’s about clarity and understanding the truth. Awareness is the foundation of change and the path for healing.
BREAKING THE CYCLE
Breaking free from toxic patterns isn’t easy, but it is possible. Here’s how you can begin:
1. Rebuild Your Self-Worth
Toxic relationships often strip away our sense of self. For me, it meant learning to believe that I was worthy of love and respect, just as I am. Start with small daily affirmations like: I deserve comfort, I deserve to feel good about myself, etc". I am worthy of being treated with kindness and care. Pick one that you believe and sometimes we need to start simple. Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you. It’s okay to let go of people that drain us.
2. Reconnect With Your Needs
For years, I didn’t even know what I needed because I was so focused on meeting everyone else’s expectations. Take time to explore what truly makes you feel loved, valued, and at peace. Journaling, meditation, or even quiet reflection can help you reconnect with yourself. Everyday, ask yourself, “What do I need at this moment?” Start focusing on YOU.
3. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Forgive yourself for tolerating the intolerable. You stayed because you hoped for the best, because you were doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. Now, it’s time to show yourself the same compassion you’ve shown others.
4. Set Boundaries
This was one of the hardest lessons for me. Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out—they’re about creating a safe space for yourself. They teach others how to treat you and protect your emotional well-being. Start small: communicate your needs clearly and firmly. For example, “I need you to speak to me with respect, or I’ll have to step away from this conversation.”
5. Seek Support
You don’t have to do this alone. I didn’t. I leaned on friends, therapists, and coaches who understood what I was going through. Talking to someone who “gets it” can make all the difference.
BELIEVE IN A BETTER FUTURE
I know how hard it is to believe that life can be different when you’re in the middle of the storm. But I promise you, it can. Every small step you take—whether it’s writing your awareness list, saying “no” for the first time, or reaching out for support—is a step toward freedom, peace, and joy.
Real love doesn’t leave you feeling depleted, anxious, or unseen. It supports, nurtures, and uplifts. You deserve that kind of love, not just from a partner but from yourself. If you’re reading this and it feels like I’m speaking directly to you, know that this is your sign. You have the strength to take the first step, and you don’t have to do it alone.
With love and hope,
Kerry Life Coach
www.kerryrasenberger.com
IG - @kerrylifecoach