Here’s a pattern that might sound familiar: you meet someone, you feel the spark, and you immediately start building a future in your head. You barely even know them, but you feel an intense pull, and isn’t that how it’s supposed to feel when you meet your soulmate? Aren’t we supposed to follow our hearts?
You may have been here before, but you convince yourself that maybe this time will be different. But soon the familiar signs stack up so high they’re impossible to ignore: the inconsistency, the hot-and-cold behavior, the feeling that you're doing all the emotional heavy lifting while they barely show up.
And yet, you stay. You make excuses. You try harder. You twist yourself into someone more accommodating, more understanding, more low-maintenance—hoping that if you just love them better, they'll finally choose you. You see the potential of what could be… now you just need him to see it too!
But he doesn’t and it inevitably falls apart, leaving you wondering: Why does this keep happening to me?
But here’s the truth: toxic patterns don't repeat because you're broken or cursed or destined to be alone. They repeat because you haven't healed the wound that keeps attracting them.
And until you do, you'll keep choosing the same person in a different body.
THE PATTERN YOU CAN’T SEE
Most women stuck in toxic dating cycles can spot red flags a mile away…in their friends' relationships. But when it comes to their own? Suddenly, those same red flags look like "he's just going through a tough time" or "he's emotionally complex" or "we have such a deep connection."
It’s not that you’re foolish or naive… you’ve just been conditioned in ways you can’t see.
Toxic patterns feel magnetic because they're familiar. Your nervous system recognizes the dynamic—the inconsistency, the uncertainty, the need to prove your worth—because it mirrors something you learned early on about how love works.
It’s likely you had emotionally immature or emotionally unavailable parents whose love felt conditional. They only loved you if you made them feel good… if you behaved in a way that made them feel like they were good parents or good people. Maybe they were present and engaged one day and cold and withdrawn the next, leaving you on edge, not knowing which version of them would show up
Your childhood brain learned: Love is something you have to earn. And when someone pulls away, you have to work harder to keep them close.
Now, as an adult, you're unconsciously recreating that dynamic. Not because you want to suffer, but because your nervous system is trying to solve the original wound by finally getting it right this time.
Except it doesn’t work that way, because you're trying to heal a childhood wound through an adult relationship. And that doesn't work.
HOW TO ACTUALLY BREAK THE PATTERN (NOT JUST UNDERSTAND IT)
Understanding why you're stuck is important, but understanding alone won't change anything. You need to actively rewire the beliefs and behaviors keeping you trapped.
Here's how:
1. Name the Pattern
You can't break a pattern you won't acknowledge.
Sit down and write out your last 3-5 relationships or situationships. Look for the common threads:
- What kind of person do you consistently choose?
- What behaviors do you tolerate that you shouldn't?
- What role do you play? (The fixer? The accommodator? The one who tries harder?)
- How does it usually end?
Be brutally honest. This isn't about blaming yourself. It's about seeing clearly so you can choose differently.
Journal prompt: "The type of person I'm drawn to is someone who ___________. I stay because I believe ___________. And when it ends, I always feel ___________."
2. Identify the Root Wound
Every toxic pattern has an origin story.
Ask yourself:
- What did I learn about love growing up?
- When did I first feel like I had to earn affection or prove my worth?
- Who taught me that my needs were too much or that I was too sensitive?
Your dating patterns are often just adult versions of childhood survival strategies. The over-functioning, the people-pleasing, the fear of being "too much"—these were adaptations that helped you navigate unstable or conditional love as a child.
They're not character flaws, they're coping mechanisms. And now it's time to retire them.
Reflection: "I learned that love means ___________. And if I don't ___________, I'll be abandoned."
3. Challenge the Faulty Beliefs
Your brain is running on outdated software…it’s time to update it!
Common faulty beliefs that fuel toxic patterns:
- "If I'm not perfect, I'll be left."
- "Love requires sacrifice and suffering."
- "If he's not chasing me, he doesn't really want me."
- "I'm too much / not enough."
- "If I have needs, I'll push people away."
Write down the beliefs you've been operating from. Then ask:
- Is this actually true, or is this what I was taught?
- What evidence do I have that contradicts this belief?
- What would I tell a friend who believed this about herself?
Reframe example:
Old belief: "If I express my needs, he'll leave."
New belief: "If expressing my needs makes him leave, he wasn't the right person for me."
4. Rediscover Who You Are (Outside of Relationships)
When you've spent years shaping yourself around other people's needs, you lose touch with who you actually are.
You need to remember.
Ask yourself:
- What did I love doing before I started obsessing over relationships?
- What makes me feel alive, creative, engaged?
- What would I do with my time if I weren't worried about being chosen?
This isn't about "self-care" in the bubble-bath sense (though that's fine too). This is about reclaiming the parts of yourself you abandoned in pursuit of love.
Action step: Pick one thing you used to love and do it this week. Paint. Write. Dance. Hike. Cook. Read fiction. Go to a museum alone. Reconnect with the version of you who existed before you made relationships your entire identity.
5. Decide Who You Want to Become
Healing isn't just about stopping old patterns. It's about creating new ones.
Who do you want to be?
Not who you think you should be to attract the right person. Not the version of yourself that's palatable or low-maintenance or perfectly healed.
Who do you want to be? What kind of life do you want to live? What values do you want to embody?
Write it down. Be specific.
Example: "I want to be someone who trusts herself. Who says what she means. Who doesn't shrink to make others comfortable. Who walks away from situations that don't align with her values. Who doesn't need external validation to feel whole."
Then ask: What would that version of me do differently right now?
6. Practice Detachment (Without Shutting Down)
Detachment gets misunderstood. It's not about becoming cold or indifferent, it's about unhooking your worth from outcomes. It’s about learning to self-source your worth rather than outsource.
Healthy detachment means:
- You can care about someone without making them responsible for your happiness.
- You can want a relationship without needing it to feel complete.
- You can be open to love without clinging to it desperately.
- You can walk away from what doesn't serve you without bitterness.
This is the hardest part because it requires you to sit with uncertainty. To stop controlling. To trust that you'll be okay even if things don't work out the way you hoped.
Practice: The next time you feel anxious about someone's response (or lack thereof), pause. Notice the urge to check your phone, send another text, or obsess over what you did wrong.
Then ask: What would the version of me I'm becoming do right now?
And do that instead.
7. Get Comfortable Being Alone
You can't break toxic patterns if you're terrified of being single.
If being alone feels unbearable, you'll tolerate anything to avoid it. You'll stay in relationships that don't serve you, you'll ignore red flags, and you'll convince yourself, "this is just how relationships are."
Learn to be alone without being lonely.
This doesn't mean you have to love being single. It just means you need to prove to yourself that you can handle it. That you won't fall apart. That your life has meaning and value even without a relationship.
Challenge: Spend one full weekend doing things you enjoy—alone. No dating apps. No texting the guy you're hung up on. Just you, finding out that you're actually pretty good company.
THE TRUTH ABOUT HEALING
Here's what no one tells you: healing toxic dating patterns doesn't happen in one big breakthrough moment. It happens in a thousand small choices, in the micro-moments.
It's choosing not to text him when you're spiraling at midnight.
It's walking away from a conversation that feels off instead of trying to fix it.
It's sitting with the discomfort of uncertainty instead of chasing reassurance.
It's expressing a need even though you're terrified of being "too much."
Each of these moments is a chance to choose yourself. To prove to your nervous system that you're safe even when someone isn't meeting you where you are.
And over time, those small choices compound. You start to trust yourself more, you stop abandoning yourself for scraps of affection, and you notice red flags earlier…and actually act on them.
And then one day, you realize: the pattern is broken.
And it’s not because you found the perfect person who finally healed you, but because you stopped choosing people who required you to abandon yourself in the first place.
That's the real shift. And it changes everything.
Sabrina Bendory
Author of Detached: How to Let Go, Heal, and Become Irresistible
Follow me- @sabrinabendory - https://www.instagram.com/sabrinabendory/
Podcast: You Will Be OK - https://open.spotify.com/show/3HYK5wbztK0wOpm0Iq62F6