YOGA SAVED ME BY JOANNA BARRETT

YOGA SAVED ME BY JOANNA BARRETT

On a sweltering hot day in July 2016, I sat on my couch with cool air conditioning surrounding me, enveloping me with a slight chill.  I saw my written words staring back at me from my laptop screen.  My heart pounded through my chest, seemingly reverberating thump-thump-thump from my ribcage into my living room, as I saw my name published under the title "How Yoga Saved Me."  

There's no going back, I whispered to my dog, who slept peacefully on the sofa beside me.  My written work was out there for the world to see; for the first time, I realized.  I took a deep, three-part breath to fill my belly, ribs, and upper chest, just as my pranayama breathing practices had prepared me for this deep breath for seven years.

"I'm not a blogger, I'm not a professional journalist or novelist, but I have something I want to share about my life, something I have never told anyone in great detail until now." I read my opening words in a large font on the website. 

THEN UNDERNEATH, PRINTED, WERE THE WORDS AT THE CORE OF MY MESSAGE: “YOGA SAVED ME. IT SAVED MY LIFE.”

I knew what was coming next, and my heart felt loud, proud, and strong as I read my truth. "I know that's a big statement, but if I didn't step into my first class when I did in early spring 2009, I'm sure I would have died by suicide by summertime."

Now, nearly a decade after that personal narrative was published and went viral worldwide, I am blessed to say that I am a published writer, a yoga teacher, and a therapist—all the things I aspired to when I wrote my first personal narrative about how yoga saved my life from the deep hopelessness and the dark hole I was sunken into… a severe depressive state, one that I had gotten to know intimately over the years.  

My journey, however, is one of hope and encouragement, a transformation from despair to empowerment, a second chance at living a truly incredible life..one yoga class at a time. 

THE PRACTICE OF YOGA WAS THE LIFELINE THAT PULLED ME OUT OF THE DARKNESS.

Back in 2009, when I was contemplating taking my own life, no one was aware that I was so deeply depressed that I knew it was just a matter of time until my plan would become real.  But I kept my intent hidden inside, where it was eating me alive, gnawing at my soul and any glimmer of hope I retained.  I needed to do something, anything.  

Yoga was that "something" for me.  It was the "anything" I was desperate to try.  Little did I know 16 years ago that it would turn out to be my "everything."  

When I walked through the door, I was terrified to go to a yoga studio and had no idea what to expect.  My deeply rooted fear of the unknown propelled me into my first class on a frigid, cold day in March 2009, when I stepped onto a borrowed mat at a small, local studio in Princeton, New Jersey, where I was living with my parents after graduating with my bachelor's degree.

I don't remember much about my first yoga experience or who the teacher was, but I do remember feeling my sweaty feet on my rubber mat, stable in my body in Mountain Pose.  I could feel my heart's slow, steady beating and the breath moving in and out of my lungs.  Despite feeling so deep into a hole that I couldn't crawl out, I knew that by standing tall on my mat, I was still alive.

ONE YOGA CLASS A WEEK LED TO TWO, FOLLOWED BY THREE.

Though I wasn't fully aware of what was happening in and out of my body and mind, the stress reduction I felt during my classes trickled into my everyday life.  After several months, I noticed that my severe migraines lessened and my chronic fatigue eased.  I could finally relax the tension in my neck and shoulders, and even my rancid acid reflux began to subside. 

Nearly every evening after I returned home from work, I would lay on the soft, beige carpet in my bedroom and feel my breath underneath my hands, which made a gentle connection to my chest.  I would tune into sensations I had never felt, like the warmth of my palms and the gentle connection of my body, mind, and emotions.  Then, I began to see my depression more clearly.  I experienced the union I was learning about from my teachers and realized that my emotional health was essential to my livelihood and crucial if I wanted to live.  

With consistent yoga practices, the veil of depression lifted just enough for me to see the future possibilities for my life and the need for a fresh start.  I began to see that the universe may have a future for me.  Albeit unknown and uncertain, I widened my perspective and started to see possibilities.  

About six months after I started my yoga practice, I felt the power of the practice "off the mat" when I was finally empowered and motivated enough to leave my miserable job, move out of my childhood home, and relocate my life to a new city.

I found a cute yoga studio near my apartment on the outskirts of Boston and attended yoga classes a few times a week. I made friends and developed a social circle, enjoyed my new job, and loved living in my quaint apartment. Day by day, life seemed to be improving, and one day, I woke up to my new reality.  

Yoga became part of my daily routine, like washing my face and brushing my teeth.  I loved my daily practices, and not surprisingly, my depression eased even more during this time.  Being in the studio felt like a loving home in my heart, and I wasn't even aware of the deep depression I had been hiding for over 15 years.  

ONCE I BEGAN CONNECTING MY BODY AND BREATH WITH MOVEMENT AND MEDITATION, MY DEPRESSION LESSENED, MY SELF-ESTEEM INCREASED, AND I FELT STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE CONTROL OF MY OWN LIFE.

I witnessed my internal world and focused on self-directed compassion.  My external world became clearer through my eyes.  I realized that transformation was possible, especially when my body, breath, spirit, and soul were harmoniously connected. 

Two years after stepping onto my first yoga mat, I pursued a local yoga teacher training in Boston. After I completed my 200-hour training, I continued my education in yoga studies, spending thousands of hours and dollars in training programs, workshops, classes, and retreats.  During this time, I also worked full-time at a higher education institution and attended a graduate program for my master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. 

As a licensed psychotherapist and certified yoga teacher, I also integrate mental health and yoga for clients whose depression, anxiety, and trauma are weighing too heavily on their spirits.  I am always incredibly honored to be on a client's transformative journey, especially when they finally experience emotional balance, resilience, and a more profound sense of inner peace.  When clients learn to manage stress, cultivate positive relationships, and heal from past traumas, they develop sustainable routines that prevent burnout, enhance well-being, and live more intentionally and authentically.  I am always privileged to witness and walk this path beside my clients. 

I'm not going to pretend I've reached enlightenment; I'm far away from that status in this lifetime, and I'm OK with that.  I'm also not going to pretend that I haven't had any depressive episodes; I have, and I'm OK with that, too.  Through all of my experiences on and off the mat, I see the value of my life more clearly, and I have never returned to that deep well of despair that I experienced during the darkest, most debilitating periods of my life.  I owe my life to yoga.  Yoga saved me.

IF YOU'VE READ THIS FAR, HERE'S MY MESSAGE TO YOU: 

If my story resonates with you, I encourage you to reach out to someone you trust who cares about you and seek professional support.  

No matter what you're facing, there is always something — anything — that can ignite a spark within your spirit.  I believe yoga can be a powerful tool to help you navigate through challenging times on the path to your well-being.  It doesn't have to be yoga (though I encourage people to explore a few different classes), but find something that can lift you from your own version of a dark, heavy place.

Above all, my deepest wish for you is to recognize your inherent worth and understand that your life matters in this world.  Take that first step toward the life your soul is yearning for. Please remember that life is ever-changing, circumstances shift, and everything is impermanent.  May you live a life with joy, fulfillment, and endless possibility.

I see you.  I believe in you.  Trust this process on your journey of life.  It's worth it.

 

Joanna Barrett, LMHC, LPC, NCC, E-RYT
This blog was originally published as "How Yoga Saved Me" in Elephant Journal (July 2016).  Revised April 2025.

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