We’re living in a world where using your voice comes with consequences.
If you speak up, you’re loud.
If you have opinions, you’re difficult.
If you feel deeply, you’re too sensitive.
If you shine too brightly, someone always wants to dim your light.
These are the messages many of us have absorbed from a young age.
And without realizing it, we carry them into every room we walk into.
I WAS THAT KID.
The one with the big laugh, fast mouth, and a lot to say.
From the outside, it looked like confidence. On the inside, I learned early that being expressive made people uncomfortable.
I was told to stop talking.
To stop showing off.
To lower my volume, dim my light, and keep things neutral.
So I tried to be quieter. Smaller. Easier.
But no amount of shrinking ever made me feel more accepted.
It only made me feel invisible.
LET’S CALL IT WHAT IT IS
Being told you’re “too loud” is often code for “your voice is making me feel something I don’t know how to handle.”
Being called “too sensitive” usually means “your emotions are touching a nerve I haven’t made peace with.”
And when those messages go unchecked, they don’t just live in our heads.
They become part of the culture.
Not just in families, but in classrooms, friendships, social media, and boardrooms.
We don’t just inherit eye color or bone structure.
We inherit patterns.
And one of the most common patterns? Silencing.
So often, the very thing we criticize in others is the thing we were once punished for having.
And without realizing it, we try to keep others small because we never learned how to feel safe taking up space ourselves.
HERE’S YOUR SELF-INVENTORY
If someone else’s expression makes you uncomfortable, pause.
Ask yourself:
Where did I learn it wasn’t okay to speak up, stand out, or feel deeply?
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Who told me that being expressive or emotional was a problem?
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Where in my own life am I still shrinking to be accepted?
You might realize you were never actually “too much.”
You were just surrounded by people who couldn’t receive you.
Now you get to break the cycle.
Not by quieting others, but by unmuting yourself.
TRY THIS: SELF-AWARENESS CHECK-IN
Grab a notebook or open your Notes app. Reflect honestly:
- When was the first time I was told I was “too much”?
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How did I respond in that moment; and what did I make it mean about me?
- Who do I silently judge for being expressive or emotional, and what part of me might that reflect.
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Where in my life am I still muting myself to feel accepted?
These answers aren’t about blame. They’re about reclaiming your power.
WHAT DO I DO WHEN SOMEONE TELL YOU YOU’RE “TOO MUCH”
Let’s be honest. It stings. Whether it’s subtle or direct, that kind of comment can bring you right back to your younger self, questioning whether it’s safe to be fully seen.
You don’t need to over-explain or beg to be understood.
You get to stand in your bigness.
Here are some ways to respond:
- “Sounds like you’re more comfortable with a quieter version of me. I’m not here to make you comfortable.”
- “I used to believe that too. Then I realized I wasn’t too much; I was just around people who weren’t used to people like me.”
- “That says a lot about what you expect from others, and very little about who I actually am.”
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“You don’t have to get it. But I’m not shrinking to make it easier for you.”
You’re allowed to disengage.
You’re allowed to speak up.
You’re allowed to walk away.
You don’t owe anyone a diluted version of yourself.
VOICE ACTIVATION PRACTICE (2 MINUTES)
Sit still. Close your eyes. Place one hand on your chest and one on your throat.
Breathe in deeply and say, silently or out loud:
- “I am safe to take up space.”
- “I don’t need to be small to be loved.”
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“My voice is allowed. My feelings are allowed. I am allowed.”
Say it three times. Let it land in your body.
Then open your eyes and speak your next truth, even if your voice shakes.
STUDENTS, LISTEN CLOSELY
You are not here to be digestible.
You are here to be expressed.
That includes being passionate, emotional, curious, messy, honest, and in process.
You don’t have to perform with confidence. You just have to stop abandoning yourself to make other people comfortable.
FOR THE ADULTS AND CAREGIVERS READING THIS
If you’ve ever asked someone younger than you to tone it down, soften, or be more polite when they’re simply expressing themselves, take a breath and ask:
1. Is this really about them?
Or
2. Is their freedom rubbing up against a version of me that never got to speak freely?
This isn’t about shame.
This is about liberation.
The more you give yourself permission to speak, the more you’ll stop fearing their expression.
SAY THIS INSTEAD: A LANGUAGE SHIFT FOR PARENTS, TEACHERS, AND LEADERS
If you’re ready to stop passing down the silence, try this:
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Instead of: “You’re being dramatic.”
Say: “I can see this really matters to you. Want to tell me more?” -
Instead of: “You don’t need to share everything.”
Say: “Thanks for being honest with me. I appreciate your openness.” -
Instead of: “Calm down.”
Say: “Take your time. I’m here.”
Language creates safety. Use it with care.
FINAL THOUGHT
You are not too loud.
You are not too sensitive.
You are not too much.
You are a fully expressed human in a world that has tried to reward performance over presence.
But your REALness is the revolution.
So here’s your invitation:
Turn it up. Take up space. Let yourself be seen.
We don’t need less of you. We need all of you.
YOUR TURN: SAY IT OUT LOUD
What would you say if you weren’t afraid of being “too much”?
Say it. Out loud.
To yourself. To someone you trust. Or post it publicly.
Your voice is medicine. Don’t hoard it.
And if you want to practice being fully expressed in real time, I offer Pocket Coaching; a voice-first coaching container where you can speak freely, get immediate support, and strengthen your self-trust without having to polish or perform.
No Zoom calls. Just you, your truth, and a coach who actually gets it.
Vasavi Kumar
Therapist, coach, and author of Say It Out Loud. I help people unmute their voices and stop performing their lives.
Come find me on Instagram @mynameisvasavi or at vasavikumar.com