What makes a perfect student?
What makes a perfect human?
What makes a perfect partner?
What makes a perfect child?
What makes a perfect parent?
What makes a perfect life?
(and on and on and on)...
Whenever I ask questions like these, I get a host of answers and looks. Most people are confused, some laugh and look at me like I am crazy. Why is this question relevant, and why am I asking you this today? Because you might not have thought of or defined either the question or the answer, and yet the misery this amorphous and persistent pursuit of perfectionism is creating is EVERYWHERE.
It is impossible to be human these days.
It is disallowed.
We are all part of the cult of Modern Perfectionism.
My earliest childhood memories are colored with the brush of perfectionism. The relentless striving to be the best at everything possible (and the equal unspoken pain that accompanies when *big surprise* you are not).
Get the perfect grades, be the perfect daughter, make sure your extracurriculars are the right ones, make sure you get into medical school, make sure you get into the right residency, the right fellowship. Make sure your BMI is perfect, your social media presence, your partner, and ahem, please get married on time. En route to the madness of achievement, I became a mother myself (twice), became a decorated doctor, and amassed a giant pile of the shiniest, perfect-est objects possible. And yet…
I got to the bottom of that checklist of academic and social achievements and found many nasty surprises. My mental health was in the toilet, I was crisp with burnout, my physical body had taken as much a beating from stress as had my mind. My relationships were suffering. I was unable to rest. And I was so alone.
The surprising thing is that despite my actively going through this, the outside world could not tell. To them, I continued to keep my high-functioning facade. The worse I felt, the brighter my lipstick and more formidable my outfit.
Perfectionism did this to me, and I am not alone. I can see you nodding your head in agreement as you read this. Ever since I started my journey into unmasking perfectionism and sharing my experience, including during my TEDx talk, “Perfectionism Has A Solution - It is Not What You Think”, the responses have been visceral and validating. Breaking up with perfectionism has been the best gift I could have ever given myself.
Wherever you are in your life’s journey, or whether you identify as a perfectionist or not, you need to read and share this article as a public service message.
I am going to break the following Q&A style.
1. What do you even mean by “Modern Perfectionism”?
I define Modern perfectionism as the pressure to be exceptional without ever feeling enough, fueled by social comparison, visibility, and a widening expectation gap between our lived reality and society’s relentless demands.
2. What is the Expectation Gap of Perfectionism™?
It is the space between our authentic selves and the person society expects us to be (or thinks we are). This is where billions of dollars in marketing are spent, selling us all the things to make us “perfect” and “optimized”. From academic benchmarks, flawless skincare regimens, perfect relationships, and beyond.
3. Wait, isn’t being a perfectionist good? Are you preaching to us to accept mediocrity?!
First of all, I am with you, mediocrity? Eww. How does one define what is mediocre and what is not? Keep reading to find out more.
Secondly, this is the elephant in the room question for me. Just like you, the biggest objection I had when it came to even considering releasing my perfectionism: “I am going to be found face down in a bag of potato chips, on the couch, and my life will be over.”
That, my friend, is not a pretty visual but one that kept me running like mad on the treadmill of blind achievement.
Today, I want to challenge you to notice that everything you have going well in context to perfectionism is actually coming from a space of “Excellencism.”
When you focus on discipline, diligence, work ethic, and process with intrinsic motivation rather than incessantly zeroing in on outcomes and performative appearances, you are leaning into excellencism.
Perfectionism is about finding what is wrong with you and spending most of your energy hiding it.
Excellencism is recognizing that you can focus on the process. It is knowing that healing and growth are inherently messy (and you don’t have to hide that mess). Failure is part of the process, and spending your energy on real learning rather than performative appearances.
4. Perfectionism seems like a personal problem. Why should we care about it as a community?
There are three dimensions of Perfectionism (Hewitt & Flett, 1991):
- Self-oriented Perfectionism - Your internal message to self, “I must be perfect.”
- Other-oriented Perfectionism - “I expect people around me to be perfect.
- Socially Prescribed Perfectionism - “The whole world (society, culture) expects me to be perfect.”
All types of perfectionism are on the rise, but the one rising fastest, particularly among young adults, is socially prescribed perfectionism. Young people today show a 33% increase in the belief that others won’t accept them unless they’re perfect (Curran & Hill, 2017).
Let that sink in for a moment. Modern Perfectionism is no longer just an individual’s issue; it is one we must all address on a societal level.
5. I wonder what type of perfectionism is impacting me?
I get this question frequently on my journey to explaining my holistic approach to understanding perfectionism, I created this Free 3-minute Quiz to help you answer that.
“What Type of Perfectionism Is Sabotaging Your Success?”
It’ll help you find out if you are a:
- Self Critic
- Frustrated Fixer
- Performer
- Sustainable High Achiever
6. Dr. Shabbir, can perfectionism really mess up our health?
Perfectionism is a transdiagnostic risk factor for many mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. It increases risk for burnout, chronic loneliness, sleep disturbances, and even alters your stress hormone levels.
7. OK, I get it, perfectionism isn’t that great. What can I do about it?
The one thing you need to face perfectionism’s grip is Courage—a lot of it. The whole world, from the social media algorithm, AI, and your well-meaning loved ones, is all suffering from a growing intolerance of imperfections. It will take courage to face them.
I invite you to create your Courage Bridge™ with me today by taking the following three steps:
Step 1: Have the Courage to Examine Your Intentions
Slow down and check in with yourself. Why are you doing what you are doing? Are you taking action from a space of fear and trying to hide your perceived imperfections, or from a space of growth and genuine desire? Examining our intentions regularly can create moments of mini-resets.
Step 2: Have the Courage To Fail With Self-compassion
How do you treat yourself when you fail? My inner critic has ruthlessly ruled most of my life since early childhood. From screaming at me loudly when I was performing on stage and had a small misstep, or when the assignment score did not match my hopes, to even social scenarios when I thought I didn’t say the right thing. It never ends.
Next time you fail and fall, instead of kicking yourself, give yourself a hand to get back up with the basic human decency you would give anyone else.
Ask yourself: “Would I talk to a loved one, the way I just talked to myself?”
Step 3: Have the Courage to Model Your Humanity
Facing this beast of Modern Perfectionism cannot be done in silos, since at this point it almost feels like a public health crisis. Like a contagion, we are passing to each other. One of the powerful elements of connectivity is showing each other our humanity. This does not mean oversharing or trauma dumping. This means just being human. If you see someone struggling and have been silent yourself, share as much as you can comfortably. Social media consistently bombards our nervous systems with bite-sized curated pockets of pseudo-perfection. Be the one who courageously shows up as a real human online and in person.
Dr. Amna Shabbir, MD, NBC-HWC, CPC
Take Your Free Quiz: What Type of Perfectionism Is Sabotaging Your Success?
Watch my TEDx Talk: “Perfectionism Has A Solution - It is Not What You Think”
Listen To My Podcast: Success Reimagined with Amna Shabbir MD